Forsooth, forthwith, and verily I say unto you. For why, you asketh, doth I write in Shakespearean English this day? (And poorly, verily.) Well, we hath been celebrating Suckling Pig Day, and, as I didst point out less than a fortnight hence, I canst neither buy nor roast a suckling pig. Such doings would seemeth odd in this part of the world. As doth speaking like this. So, to recompense for this unfortunate dilemma, I hath found an alternative.

On this lovely morrow, I hath greeted my family in Shakespeare’s English in honor of one Sir John Suckling, 1609-1642. Huh-eth? Sir John Suckling was a man who hadst the unfortunate fate of: 1) being saddled with the name Sir John Suckling, and 2) being a Cavalier Poet in merry olde England. As I remembereth from my college literature major, I didst not care for the Cavalier Poets. Drivel is, I believe, the word that best describes their work. Nonetheless, it maketh a good excuse for a celebration. If there can be a Talk Like a Pirate Day, why, I asketh, canst there not be a Talk Like Sir John Suckling Day? Perhaps because no one would stop laughing about his name long enough to actually speaketh.

This hath elicited a number of responses from said family.
Child #1—Whatever.
Child #2—Verily, mother, and how doth thou this fine winter’s eve?
Child #3—Huh??
Child #2 is my favorite.

To get in the spirit of this holiday, I hath perused some recipes of the Elizabethan era. After all, there shouldst be some new holiday treats there, forsooth? Well, simply the pudding section offers some quite . . . interesting . . . opportunities: Black pudding, green pudding, goose liver pudding, quaking pudding (what is it afraid of? It’s not eating this stuff.), and, my favorite and obvious choice for the day, roast pig with pudding in his belly. And you thought plum pudding was some British weapon of torture. Suddenly, mincemeat sounds downright appetizing.

Perhaps you might find roasted kidney of veal, bulloks cheek (which ones??), or calves head with oisters more to your taste. Are you truly coming to appreciate your own holiday fare? Given the choices of gammon, carp, or lamprey pie, I believe I might try pumpkin after all this year, though I have always turned it down in the past.

Whatever you have, have a marvelous Yule. And to quote from my favorite Christmas movie, “How about a nice mulled wine? And be quick about it.”

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